Hubby Always Comes Last

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Please send your questions to email. Right now. I am writing to ask your opinion about how to deal with an incredibly stressful situation. They tolerate each other for visits, which occur more regularly since we had our first child a couple of years ago.

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My husband acts aloof or openly hostile towards them, which leads to more arguments between us, which leads to them liking him even less. I share many of my husband's feelings about them, but they are still my parents, and I love them.

My husband and I have very different values than my parents and have very little in common with them. A couple of examples of areas of tension with them: they have very poor diets and are inactive; they always have their noses in electronic devices; they waste their money and are both retired and buy stuff for our child that we don't want. When I've tried to discuss concerns with them in the past, they turn it around and try to make me feel guilty for sharing my feelings with them.

They've made it very clear that they don't want to change. My husband is understandably frustrated by them. We've been seeing a marriage counselor about these issues for a while, but we have a blowout after every visit with my parents.

Reasons your husband is unhappy

I don't know what to do anymore. It is negatively affecting our marriage. What am I supposed to do? But my wife does suffer the same anguish as you, because of the clash of values between her husband me and her parents. But none of those excuses matter. What matters is that my wife is left stuck in the middle, just like you. The life we lead together, the values that we hold and attempt to enact are quite different from theirs. She wants to remain connected to her parents, especially now that they are grandparents to our three children.

And my judgments about them—even the ones I never express out loud—only serve to make her feel guilty and ashamed. Honestly, in the long list of crappy things I do as a husband, this one is near the top of the list. In fact, my wife often plans visits with her folks to coincide with my trips out of town. This is convenient, because her parents can help out with the kids. This is what your husband needs to try to understand. Like it or not, your parents are now a part of his family.

They do. My husband also has a low libido. It was never very strong, but now he's only interested in making love maybe once a fortnight. I used to mind terribly that he didn't want me more, but I don't feel so bad about that any more. What I do feel bad about is that I would love another baby.

We haven't been using contraceptives for years, so I think maybe my husband might have a low sperm count. At least I'd like to have us both checked out, but he can never find the time. We also moved to the place we now live for the sake of his job.

I was part of the 1%—here's how everything changed when my husband left

I didn't want to make the move. So I can't help feeling that all my wishes and dreams, without exception, are being deliberately ignored by him. I'm shy and retiring and can't think of a way to get out of the sad little rut I find myself in. I do love my husband. I find myself running to do his bidding in an effort to please, but he's not putting in a lot of effort. I totally accept that going to work is his contribution, as he is always saying.

But I'd willingly forgo it if I got some emotional input instead. I do recognise that I'm very dependent on my husband. And I do know I have to make some kind of life for myself. But I don't think a job is the answer. The children are all at different stages, even in terms of school timetables, which would make it very difficult to organise. Apart from that, I don't think they should have two missing parents. LET'S look at the good bits first. You are a wonderful mother.


You are also a wonderful neighbour and friend to other mothers. You create a happy and safe and joyous life for your children.

Ladies,your constant nagging could be the reason why your husband comes home late

Even more important, you enjoy it. Motherhood is a source of deep pleasure, happiness, joy and self-esteem for you. And by motherhood I don't just mean the kids, I mean the whole network of relationships and responsibilities that goes with the territory. You are a great gift to so many people. And you handle it all so well. You also have women friends, not one but several, who like you and care for you and seek your company.

You are rich and blessed and so are those around you. You and your children are financially secure. And while you may not be living quite where you would want to be, you do belong. That, too, is thanks to you. You've used your skills to create a thousand anchors, which hold you in your community.

You also love your husband, which is very precious. And, of course, you are intelligent and sociable and educated and have no problem in telling your husband how you feel. You can, in other words, speak your mind without fear. No, I am not saying you should count your blessings and shut up.

Not at all. It's just that I believe that people who seek help have a thousand strengths. So all they need is help in mobilising some of that strength to handle the problem.

9 Things You Should Never Tell Your Man

Put another way, where we all get caught is in our blind spots, or in areas of our lives where we feel vulnerable. Help entails lighting up the blind spot, or reducing vulnerability by taking it out and looking at it. That, of course, takes courage. And courage comes from reminding ourselves that we are able. Hence my listing of your successes. You've got caught in the cul-de-sac of pitching yourself against your husband's job.

That's never a good place to be. Because every time you complain, he sees it as a failure to appreciate his contribution to your joint lives. So he feels hurt. And retreats even more into the job where he feels his worth is acknowledged. It's also the role he feels proud of, namely that of provider. He also then starts reminding you that he brings in the money.

And that in turn makes you feel like a parasite, to use your own words. No, I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming anybody. And I do see that your husband is a bit of a workaholic. I'm just saying that you pushing makes him retreat even more. So, since that's not what you want, you have to stop pushing. That may sound unsympathetic, though I hope it doesn't, but it's the logic of the situation and you need to hear it. You are lonely and unhappy, certainly, but you are not a victim.

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You're just someone whose strategy for getting what she wants hasn't worked. All that means is that you try another. Or change what you want, at least a little. Instead of demanding that your husband take you out, or waiting for him to do so, invite him out. Make a date with him, at a time which doesn't clash with work, and arrange something nice for you both to do, even if it's as simple as going to the pictures.

I know it's hard when you're feeling unloved and unattractive. But you feeling good about yourself is your responsibility, not your husband's. It's you who has to rise above the low self-confidence. So take a leap of faith in yourself, and start wooing him. Which brings us to the painful part. I think you do feel the fact that your husband doesn't want more sex. I think it leaves you lonely. And leaves you feeling that you're not wanted. Part of what's wrong, I'm guessing, is that in the absence of actual sexual need there's not a lot of physical affection happening between the two of you.

Unfortunately, many couples equate physical closeness with actual sex. Which means that affection, touching, kissing, close togetherness gets put to one side. It may be all right to have sex twice a month.