Keeping Her Love Secure

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When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem – 9 Things to Keep in Mind (by Paul Graves)

According to Birch, it's constant "curveballs and unknown," which can be its own kind of entertainment. When you're in a truly secure relationship, you've likely hit the point where you accept each other for who you are — faults, quirks, and all. But as Jenna Miller, relationship expert and creative director of Here Comes The Guide , tells Bustle, "This also means a new level of comfort wherein you aren't afraid to speak your mind. Because of that, Miller says that you likely won't be afraid to have tough discussions.

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In the early stages of your relationship it's easy to make your partner the center of your universe. Once you feel like you're relationship is in a really good place, Tift says you'll start to look for ways to bring more balance into your life. According to her, you may start putting more time and effort into friendships you may have neglected, working harder at school or work, and getting back into hobbies that used to mean a lot to you. When you reach the point in your relationship where you're truly secure with each other, you'll be able to invest more energy back into yourself. For instance, you won't have to worry if your fights are going to lead to a breakup because you've learned how to fight fairly and effectively.

If your partner needs space, it won't make you feel anxious or worried that they're pulling away. When you're in a truly secure relationship you'll often feel more freedom and independence within the relationship. When you're in a secure relationship, you just trust that they're always going to come back. When you feel a strong sense of both "me" and "we," you've managed to find the perfect balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for the relationship. Feeling safe and secure in your relationship doesn't happen overnight. It's something you have to work at contantly and it's something that takes time.

But if you and your partner can do that, you can have a strong, long-lasting relationship. He took me back to Mum after a few hours, kissed my cheek, and that was that. The next weekend, Mum dressed me up in something special and told me Dad was coming soon. The time passed. I waited and waited and waited and waited. More time passed. He just stopped coming. It broke my heart.

Years later, I understood that I had formed a belief that day that I must have flaws only others could see. Those flaws, I believed, had led to this sudden and permanent rejection by my own father, my own blood.


It can be hard on our self-worth. Our relationship with our parents or caregiver creates an "attachment style"—a blueprint for how we handle close relationships later. Attachment styles range from being secure and trusting to avoiding intimacy, or to experiencing mind-boggling ambivalence. Some people with an ambivalent attachment style become preoccupied with seeking love and attention and tend to feel powerless, needy, and insecure in relationships.

Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles lend themselves to self-defeating patterns of trying to love while defending a heart that feels vulnerable. This conflict between wanting to love and be loved so much but getting sidetracked and screwing it all up out of a deep, unconscious fear of loss, is at the base of so much relationship pain and struggle.

They were formed before we had words to describe what was going on for us. In my case, I became ambivalent about intimacy as a child, losing confidence in myself as lovable.

When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem - 9 Things to Keep in Mind (by Paul Graves) -

I longed for closeness with others but felt afraid of being rejected again. I often kept to myself rather than reaching out to others because there was less risk of humiliation that way. My subconscious tried hard to work out how to secure love, how to be "better," and how to avoid any more abandonments along the way. Love is essentially a form of focused and generous presence—a special kind of authentic engagement.

I discovered early that pleasing others won praise. Change starts when we realize that by diminishing ourselves we please no one. Yet it takes time to own these aspects of ourselves, and it takes courage. The first step is to cultivate self-awareness, leading to the possibility of self-compassion and the building of self-worth. Low self-worth early in life can lead to inadvertently choosing paths that erode our self-worth even further as we get older.

Inexperience combined with intense need is a volatile cocktail. Seeking love yet not having reliable indicators of what it feels like to be loved well makes you vulnerable to quick and dirty fixes of love that end up making things worse. We go looking for love in all the wrong places because of fundamental misunderstandings about the nature of love, how it feels, and how to go about giving and receiving it.

You may repeatedly find yourself perched on unstable precipices of desire that you know are bound to collapse and hurt you at any moment. Yet there you are again, falling, and wondering why. When someone in your childhood consistently indicates that you are worthy and good enough just the way you are, this becomes a part of your reality as your sense of identity develops. The consistent affirmation of your innate worthiness to be seen and heard serves as a platform on which to build your emerging impression of yourself.

As well as patience, building self-esteem takes courage. Looking after yourself physically, attending to your wellness and self-care nurtures emotional strength and stability more than you might realize. Would it help a child to grow in self-esteem if you spoke to them the way you speak to yourself in your head? Insight means realizing why things worked out as they did, why you are how you are, why they were how they were. Want more insight on whether your relationship is healthy and the reasons it might not be?

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